big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
