I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The struggles of a small town man whore
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
