last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
