Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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