I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
