How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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