at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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