Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
