I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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