I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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