i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
