I must be too annoying 4 u.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
