Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
