You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
