I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
