He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize