I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
