Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
