If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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