i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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