Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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