i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
