you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We had sex on a dog bed..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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