I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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