Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
