I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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