just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
