I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
