Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
