wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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