Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
