Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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