I haven't been this sober since birth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize