Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
