Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
