here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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