y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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