I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
