they need to just BURY HIM!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
