Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
