My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
