i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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