ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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