just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize