so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
