Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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