I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
