Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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