if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
