I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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