you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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