i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
