No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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