8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
