I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
