So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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