the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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