How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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