Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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