why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize