Her vagina should come with caution tape.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
