It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
